Humor & Everyday Life
This Is Not The Wild West
Florida wildlife officials actually had to remind people that iguana control was not the “Wild West.” A separate Boca Raton pellet-gun incident made that warning feel uncomfortably well timed.
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Boca Raton Twenty nineteen High noon Somewhere beyond A privacy fence Beside a swimming pool Sat The iguana Word came down From Tallahassee Green iguanas Are invasive Homeowners may remove them You hear that I can remove you Legally Stop eating my hibiscus And somehow South Florida heard Open season From Boca Raton To Broward From golf course To canal The suburban gunslingers came Not on horseback Not wearing spurs But they came This is not the Wild West Put that pellet gun down This is not the Wild West There's a pool guy walking around You can remove 'em Yes, you can But do it safely That's the plan And for the love of everything Know what you're aiming at Ow What the hell We interrupt this Western Because somebody Has shot the pool man Was he an iguana No Did he resemble An iguana Also no Was he at least green I don't believe That's relevant I'm trying to understand The aiming process Pool guy's working Sun is shining Everything is fine Hunter sees an iguana Iguana sees hunter Pool guy sees A leaf in the pool Three figures Three destinies One suburban backyard Hunter squints Iguana squints Pool guy Ow I'm not an iguana He's not an iguana I have a pool skimmer That is not a tail I'm wearing a shirt Very good point Meanwhile The actual iguana Escaped unharmed Then from Tallahassee came A press release People of Florida We need to clarify something We encouraged The humane removal Of invasive green iguanas We did not mean Go out there And shoot them up Furthermore This is not the Wild West This is not the Wild West FWC has spoken This is not the Wild West Put that pellet gun down Got an iguana Call a pro Don't know what you're doing Call a pro Neighbor's cleaning His swimming pool That is not your target Green iguana Invasive Private property Permission Humane removal Yes Animal cruelty No Not sure You can do it safely Call A Professional What if No But No Suppose Professional I haven't even I saw your pellet gun, Steve Welcome to the frontier Swimming pools HOAs Golf carts Seawalls Guys named Gary Arguing about property lines And sitting On Gary's seawall The outlaw Six feet long Green Eating fifteen dollars' worth Of landscaping Gary steps outside Iguana looks at Gary Gary looks at The iguana This town ain't big enough For the both of us Gary What We just talked about this Wanted Green iguana Alias Chicken of the Trees Wanted for Landscaping destruction Seawall excavation Unauthorized swimming Dock occupation Pool contamination Hibiscus theft And Being an enormous Pain in the ass That's not An official charge It should be The sun drops low The canal turns gold Gary on one side Iguana On the other Gary reaches slowly Gary His hand moves Toward his hip Gary He pulls A phone Oh, thank God Hello Yeah I need an Iguana professional Hallelujah Wrong genre Yippee-ki-yay I'll allow it This is not the Wild West Not in Boca Raton This is not the Wild West Put that pellet gun down Iguana on the seawall Call a pro Iguana by the pool Call a pro Iguana eating landscaping Call a pro Gary's got an idea Gary, no I didn't even say anything We know you, Gary This Is Not The Wild West I really hate That bastard That's fine Just don't shoot The pool guy
Behind the story
Why This Song Exists
“This Is Not The Wild West” exists because Florida's iguana problem reached the point where a wildlife official actually had to say those words. In 2019, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission member Rodney Barreto was quoted saying: “This is not the ‘wild west.’” The context was iguana control and the need for people to act safely and responsibly when dealing with invasive green iguanas. That statement is one factual part of the song. There is also a separate South Florida incident in the history behind this track. In Boca Raton, a person shooting at iguanas with a pellet gun accidentally struck a pool-maintenance worker in the leg. Those are separate events. The song does not claim the FWC statement was caused by that shooting, and it does not claim anybody mistook the pool worker for an iguana. Florida already gave us enough absurdity without combining things that did not happen together. What the song does combine is the atmosphere. Suburban South Florida. Swimming pools. Golf carts. HOAs. Iguanas. Government guidance. And apparently enough enthusiasm about reptile control to require the sentence: This is not the Wild West. So I gave the whole situation the musical treatment it deserved: a completely serious spaghetti Western. The policy is real. The pellet-gun incident is real. The Western movie playing in my head is mine. Sources: Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission reporting and the 2019 statement attributed to FWC Commissioner Rodney Barreto; separate reporting on the Boca Raton pellet-gun incident involving a pool-maintenance worker.
Why This Sound
The comedy depends on treating South Florida iguana policy like an epic frontier showdown. Spaghetti-Western scoring gives every golf cart, pool skimmer and government clarification ridiculous dramatic dignity before the lyric punctures it again.
- Collection
- Chicken of the Trees
- Sound
- Spaghetti Western · Cinematic
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