Humor & Everyday Life
There's A Dinosaur In My Toilet
South Florida really has documented iguanas turning up in toilets and plumbing. “There’s A Dinosaur In My Toilet” takes that very real Florida phenomenon and asks the only urgent question left: what happens when you really, really have to pee?
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Midnight down the hallway Half asleep and moving slow Wasn't here for conversation I really had to go Didn't need adventure Didn't need a story told Just one ordinary bathroom And one little porcelain bowl Two eyes Green face Tail Nope Well Now we've got two problems There's a dinosaur in my toilet! There's a lizard in the loo! Of all the places in South Florida Why'd he have to pick this room? There's a dinosaur in my toilet! And I really have to go! He's got himself a porcelain throne And I'm standing in the hall! Maybe I'm still sleeping Maybe that's the answer here Maybe what I thought I saw Will magically disappear Maybe it was nothing Maybe shadows fooled my eyes Maybe if I check again Green face Still there Nope Nope! Nope! Nope! Okay You stay in there I'll stay out here This is working fine Except one of us has considerably Less Time I don't want your bathroom You apparently disagree You've got yourself a toilet I have an emergency You don't seem concerned You don't seem rushed at all You're sitting there like royalty And I'm pacing in the hall There's a dinosaur in my toilet! There's a lizard in the loo! I pay the water bill around here This bathroom is not for you! There's a dinosaur in my toilet! And the clock is ticking slow! He's got all night to sit in there I really have to go! How did you get in there? No Seriously How? Did you swim? Did you climb? Is there something I should know? Because I've lived in Florida Long enough to know If something weird can happen here Florida finds a way But here's the question I did not need At this particular hour If you came up Through the plumbing Then theoretically You could Go back down Oh, no No Because if you came up through the plumbing How many more are down there? Nope! Nope to the bathtub! Nope to the sink! Nope to investigating Anything connected to a drain! Nope to the pipes! Nope underground! I do not need to know What's swimming around! Nope! Nope! Nope! I came in here for one thing! Nope! And somehow I'm the one Who's been evicted! There's a dinosaur in my toilet! There's a lizard in the loo! He's got indoor plumbing now What am I supposed to do? There's a dinosaur in my toilet! This is my final call! He can keep the porcelain kingdom I'm getting out of this hall! Okay New plan Where's the nearest gas station? There's a dinosaur in my toilet!
Behind the story
Why This Song Exists
“There’s A Dinosaur In My Toilet” started with one of those Florida facts that sounds like somebody made it up. They didn’t. Iguanas really have turned up in South Florida toilets and plumbing. In 2017, a Kendall family called for help after a woman opened her toilet and found a large iguana inside. Miami-Dade Fire Rescue removed it. That same year, another Florida toilet had to be removed after an iguana was discovered inside the drain pipe. Fort Lauderdale firefighters answered another iguana-in-a-toilet call in 2019, and South Florida reporting has continued documenting similar encounters since then. So the reptile-in-the-bathroom part of this song is not fantasy. Florida already took care of that. The man in the song is our comic narrator. His exact late-night emergency is the storytelling frame, not a claim about one particular homeowner from the news. But once you accept the documented premise — you walk into your bathroom, lift the lid and discover that the toilet is already occupied by an invasive reptile — there is really only one reasonable response: Absolutely not. From there, the song lets one very ordinary human problem collide with one completely absurd Florida problem. I’m not telling you how his night ends. That part belongs to the song. Sources include CBS Miami reporting on the 2017 Kendall toilet incident, ABC News reporting on the 2017 iguana found in a toilet drain pipe, and Fort Lauderdale/Miami Herald reporting on the 2019 toilet removal call.
Why This Sound
A half-asleep bathroom trip becomes a miniature monster movie the instant the lid comes up. Rockabilly gives the story comic propulsion, while vintage horror colors the plumbing realization without turning the singer into a novelty character.
- Collection
- Chicken of the Trees
- Sound
- Rockabilly · Vintage Horror
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