Humor & Everyday Life
Iguana Interstate
An enormous iguana, four lanes of Sawgrass Expressway traffic, and one very simple request from behind the wheel: don’t you cross.
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Sawgrass Expressway Normal Florida day Four lanes rolling I'm on my way Good gap ahead Steady on the wheel Nothing going on Which is usually when Florida Gets an idea Car moves right Next car bends Another one shifts Here we go again Something up ahead Is messing with the flow I can't see what it is But everybody else sure knows One car moves Then another Traffic starts to split And I'm thinking What in the world Are they trying not to hit? Oh That's an iguana No That's a frickin' palm tree trunk With a head And a tail And apparently No respect for traffic He's standing on the line Head up Tail out Lane one bending To the right around his back end now Traffic on the other side Cars coming up behind And suddenly my whole world Is one reptile and one line Don't you cross Don't you cross Don't you cross Stay right there I've already made my decision Now don't you make one in front of me Be a statue Be a statue Be the best damn statue you can be Just stand there Don't get ambitious Just let me pass Hold the lane Hold the wheel Everything is fine Everything is not fine But we're gonna call it fine No room over there No reason to dart This is not the moment For interpretive driving art I've got one good option Keep doing what I'm doing You've got one good option Don't start moving Don't pick right now To figure out You've got somewhere to be Don't suddenly remember There's something fascinating Across lane three Don't get curious Don't seek purpose Don't pursue your destiny I've already made my decision Now don't you make one in front of me Don't you cross Stay Don't you cross Stay Don't you cross Stay Just Let Me Pass Closer Still there Closer Still there Good iguana Excellent iguana Don't move Don't blink Actually Blink all you want Just don't Move Your Feet Three Don't you cross Two Be a statue One Just let me pass! I'm past him I'm past him Oh my God That was worse than a deer Son of a bitch Keep driving That's it Keep driving Whatever happens back there Is between that iguana The Sawgrass Expressway And everybody behind me Because I sure as hell Wasn't going back To see what happened And for the record That wasn't an iguana That was a frickin' palm tree trunk With somewhere to be
Behind the story
Why This Song Exists
“Iguana Interstate” is not one I found on the internet. I was there. I was driving northbound on the Sawgrass Expressway just north of Commercial Boulevard, moving with traffic and leaving the kind of following distance my dad drilled into me. Cars ahead started bending around something before I could see what the something was. Then traffic opened up. And there he was. An enormous iguana was standing on or near the line between the right lanes, head up, with enough reptile stretched toward traffic to make every available option look bad. The physical problem was real. Cars were moving around me. Swerving suddenly could create a much bigger problem than the iguana itself. So I held my lane, held the car steady, and watched the one variable I could not control: the iguana. That is the true South Florida moment underneath the song — a normal drive suddenly becoming a split-second negotiation with a giant invasive reptile in the middle of highway traffic. I cleared him. Then the adrenaline showed up, because apparently adrenaline likes to wait until everything is over before becoming useful. I did not turn around to find out what happened next. I know what I saw, I know how I drove through it, and I know I sure as hell wasn’t going back.
Why This Sound
This is a highway story, so the track has to move. Electro-funk and driving synthwave create the sensation of road speed while the arrangement gets denser and more urgent around the repeated DON'T YOU CROSS hook, even though the narrator keeps the car itself under control.
- Collection
- Chicken of the Trees
- Sound
- Electro-Funk · Synthwave
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