Humor & Everyday Life
He Doesn't Pay The HOA
Green iguanas really do damage South Florida landscaping, leave messes around waterfront property, and burrow into seawalls, berms and canal banks. In HOA terms, that's one very expensive resident contributing exactly zero dollars.
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Morning on the water Sunlight on the bay Fresh-cut grass and polished glass Another perfect day Everything is paid for Everything's maintained Except the six-foot freeloader Who's moved in here again He eats the landscaping He suns beside the pool He struts along the seawall Like his name is on the deed He's got waterfront accommodations A tropical buffet And every single amenity Without one dime to pay I pay for trimming I pay for cleaning I pay for everything And what does he contribute Zero dollars He doesn't pay the H O A But brother he sure lives that way Eats all day Digs away Leaves the rest of us to pay No dues No fees No responsibility How much has that bastard paid ZERO DOLLARS He doesn't pay the H O A I washed the boat on Saturday Waxed her stem to stern Polished every bit of chrome Till I could watch it burn Sunday morning coffee poured I headed down the dock And there he was Sitting on my boat And there it was On my boat A giant fibrous turd The size of You know what It doesn't matter how big it was IT WAS ON MY FUCKING BOAT He doesn't wash the boat He doesn't wax the boat He doesn't fuel the boat He doesn't own the boat But apparently He shits on the boat Zero dollars He doesn't pay the H O A But brother he sure lives that way Private dock Sunny days Prime South Florida real estate No dues No fees No responsibility How much has that bastard paid ZERO DOLLARS He doesn't pay the H O A Then he started digging Now we're talking money Because a hole beside the water Stops being funny Berms and banks and seawalls That's a different kind of day He does the excavation Guess who gets to pay Landscaping I pay Cleanup I pay Maintenance I pay Seawall I PAY And him Zero dollars ZERO DOLLARS No mortgage No assessment No application fee No board approval No closing costs No financial responsibility This son of a bitch Has somehow found The cheapest waterfront property In South Florida He doesn't pay the H O A But brother he sure lives that way Eats the yard Digs all day Shits on boats and walks away No dues No fees No responsibility And every month the bill comes due For everybody but you-know-who How much has that bastard paid ZERO DOLLARS Zero dollars Not one dime Zero dollars Not one damn dime He doesn't pay the H O A Sunset on the water Palm trees in the breeze Another perfect evening In South Florida Stay off my boat
Behind the story
Why This Song Exists
“He Doesn't Pay The HOA” is built on a very real South Florida property problem. Green iguanas do more than sit on seawalls looking like they own the place. They eat landscaping. They leave droppings around docks, decks and other waterfront areas. And their burrowing can damage seawalls, berms and canal banks — infrastructure that actual homeowners can end up paying actual money to repair. Once you put that inside a South Florida waterfront community, the HOA joke becomes almost unavoidable. This resident uses the landscaping. He uses the dock. He enjoys the waterfront. He may be conducting completely unauthorized excavation near some extremely expensive infrastructure. And when the maintenance bills arrive? His contribution remains exactly zero dollars. That's the comic personification in the song. Iguanas do not actually receive HOA statements or attend association meetings. The property impacts underneath the joke, however, are real. So the song treats one green resident like the neighbor who somehow enjoys every amenity, creates cleanup and repair work for everyone else, and never once reaches for his checkbook. The humans get the mortgage. The humans get the maintenance. The humans get the repairs. The iguana gets waterfront living. Seems fair.
Why This Sound
The joke is that the iguana enjoys expensive South Florida waterfront living while contributing absolutely nothing to it. Pristine yacht rock makes every complaint sound luxurious, which is much funnier than scoring the homeowner's irritation with angry music.
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- Chicken of the Trees
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- Yacht Rock
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