Humor & Everyday Life
Don't Put That In Ceviche
UF/IFAS Broward really warns: “DO NOT TRY TO MAKE IGUANA CEVICHE.” Acid is not a substitute for safely cooking reptile meat — so naturally, Florida's food-safety guidance became a salsa intervention.
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Fresh lime Si Fresh onion Si Cilantro Si Fresh peppers Si Iguana Si No What Don't Put that In ceviche Don't put that in ceviche No Don't put that in ceviche No Lime juice Not enough Acid Not enough All night long Still not enough Cook That Lizard Florida had iguanas Too many Florida got hungry Again Somebody got a cutting board Uh-oh Somebody grabbed a lime Stop right there What are you making Dinner What kind Ceviche What's the protein You know No I do not Want to know But ceviche cooks with acid No The lime No It changes No But it turned white That is not A thermometer You want Chicken of the Trees Yes Then treat it like chicken Yes You want lime Yes Put it on After you cook it Clean Clean Separate Separate Cook Cook Chill Chill Again Clean Clean Separate Separate Cook Cook Chill Chill Where's marinate Not on the list Get the thermometer I don't need Get the thermometer Check the heat Cook that meat One six five One six five One six five Keep it alive Keep what alive Bad choice of words One Six Five What's the worst that could happen Why would you say that I'm asking In Florida Yeah After seventeen songs Why would you say that Reptile meat Salmonella Cross contamination Salmonella Didn't cook it through Salmonella Same cutting board Oh, hell no Okay I get it Do you What's in the bowl Limes And Onions And Cilantro And Give Me The Bowl Don't put that in ceviche No Don't put that in ceviche No You can stew it Cook it You can curry it Cook it Put it in your gumbo Cook it Put it in your tacos We did that Yes We know The University of Florida Published food-safety guidance Containing the warning Do not try To make Iguana ceviche They put it in all caps They put it in all caps If they used all caps Somebody tried it If they used all caps Somebody tried it We cannot establish that What We have no evidence Somebody actually tried it Then why is it in all caps I said We cannot establish that Fair enough But they used All caps Fine I'll cook it I'll cook it thoroughly I'll use a thermometer I'll clean the cutting board I'll separate raw and cooked food Are you crying I'm just So proud of you And then I'll add lime After After He learned Raw iguana No ceviche Lime and onions No ceviche Acid overnight No ceviche But my cousin says Your cousin Is not UF IFAS What do we do Cook it How hot One six five Then what Add the lime And then Dance Cook Cook Cook Cook One six five One six five Clean Clean Separate Separate Cook Cook Chill Chill Ceviche Not The Lizard Don't put that in ceviche No Don't put that in ceviche No Lime is delicious Yes it is Ceviche is delicious Yes it is Iguana can be delicious Yes it can But raw iguana ceviche That ain't the plan One six five One six five Clean Clean Separate Separate Cook Cook Chill Chill What do we never put In the ceviche The fucking iguana Okay No iguana ceviche Thank you I understand Good What about iguana sushi
Behind the story
Why This Song Exists
“Don't Put That In Ceviche” exists because sometimes an official food-safety warning arrives already sounding like a song title. UF/IFAS Broward actually published iguana food guidance containing this warning: “DO NOT TRY TO MAKE IGUANA CEVICHE.” Why? Because there is not evidence that the acid used in ceviche kills all possible parasites or pathogens in iguana meat. That is the real part. Reptiles can carry Salmonella, and UF/IFAS food-safety guidance emphasizes the considerably less glamorous fundamentals: clean, avoid cross-contamination, cook thoroughly, and refrigerate properly. UF/IFAS guidance also uses 165°F as the minimum internal cooking temperature for iguana meat. So lime juice may make an excellent ingredient. It is not a meat thermometer. The orchestra, the restaurant intervention, the call-and-response arguments and the increasingly desperate salsa performance are my contribution. The public-health warning is not. And one important distinction: The fact that UF/IFAS printed the warning in all caps does not prove somebody actually stood over a bowl of raw iguana ceviche and forced the university to intervene. The song jokes about that possibility — and then corrects itself. What we actually know is funny enough: A Florida university extension office really had to publish guidance telling people not to make iguana ceviche. Some food-safety messages get a pamphlet. This one got a horn section.
Why This Sound
An official food-safety warning becomes a dance-floor intervention. Hot salsa and mambo let the crowd, orchestra and straight-faced food-safety voice all participate in stopping the cook, while the hard musical stops make the warning land as comedy without making the musicianship a joke.
- Collection
- Chicken of the Trees
- Sound
- Salsa · Mambo
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