Humor & Everyday Life
I Survived I-95
I Survived I-95 is a high-energy comedy rock anthem about the absolute insanity of driving Interstate 95 through South Florida. From Miami to Fort Lauderdale, Boca, West Palm and Jupiter, the road has its own rules. One minute everybody is cruising ten over the speed limit like it is perfectly normal. The next, traffic drops from eighty to zero for no visible reason. There is the motorcycle splitting lanes, the scooter doing forty-five, the luxury car cutting across four lanes because the driver suddenly remembers the exit, the bumper humper riding six inches off your rear end, and the terrifying moment when somebody starts pushing you out of your lane and you are praying for bushes instead of concrete. The song turns all of that chaos into one giant victory cry: I SURVIVED I-95. It is loud, funny and ridiculous because the highway itself is loud, funny and ridiculous. And if you drive I-95 regularly, none of it feels exaggerated.
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Sixty-five! That’s what the sign says! Florida Ten— That’s how we drive! Running eighty— Everybody’s happy— WHO THE HELL JUST BLEW BY?! Ninety-five! Hundred and five! Welcome, baby— TO I-NINETY-FIVE! White knuckles! Hold on tight! One wrong move— GOOD NIGHT! I SURVIVED I-NINETY-FIIIIIVE! Four wheels down— AND I’M STILL ALIVE! I SURVIVED I-NINETY-FIIIIIVE! Miami to Jupiter— HOLD ON TIGHT! I SURVIVED— I-NINETY-FIIIIIVE! Bentley left lane— Exit far right! FOUR LANES OVER! HOLD ON TIGHT! Half-million dollars On a four-lane dive— Damn! BETTER HAVE GOOD INSURANCE ON I-NINETY-FIVE! Bike on my left! Car on my right! WHOA! SPLITS THE MIDDLE! JESUS CHRIST! There he goes— Like a bat outta— WHAT THE HELL?! Scooter ahead! Doing forty-five! FORTY-FIVE?! ON I-NINETY-FIVE?! I SURVIVED I-NINETY-FIIIIIVE! Don’t ask me how— I’M JUST GLAD I’M ALIVE! I SURVIVED I-NINETY-FIIIIIVE! Every damn mile Is a hell of a ride! I SURVIVED— I-NINETY-FIIIIIVE! Bumper to bumper— Six inches behind! Riding my ass Ain’t saving you time! BACK OFF! BACK OFF! My brakes are good— HOW’S YOURS?! Convertible coming— RIGHT INTO MY LANE! No damn signal! Just coming my way! Shoulder! Guardrail! Nowhere at all! PLEASE LET IT BE BUSHES— NOT THE CONCRETE WALL! I SURVIVED I-NINETY-FIIIIIVE! Got shoved off the road— BUT I’M STILL ALIVE! I SURVIVED I-NINETY-FIIIIIVE! If you drive South Florida— YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT! I SURVIVED— I-NINETY-FIIIIIVE! Regular lanes— BUMPER HUMPER! Express lanes— RUN FOR COVER! Get behind the poles— THANK GOD, I’M INSIDE! SunPass, take my money— I’M TRYING TO SURVIVE! Silver hair! Peekin’ over the wheel! Fifty-two— Like, “What’s the big deal?” Ten cars stacked— Everybody cries— MOVE IT, GRANDMA! THIS IS I-NINETY-FIVE! Next one’s cruising— Technology ride! Hands kicked back— Lets the computer drive! One goes fifty— One goes eighty-five! EVERYBODY’S CRAZY ON I-NINETY-FIVE! Golden Glades! Fort Lauderdale! Boca! JUPITER! Can’t see the road! Can’t see the lines! Everybody’s doing eighty LIKE THE SUN STILL SHINES! BRAKE LIGHTS! EIGHTY TO ZERO! Everybody stops— FOR WHAT?! Nothing. NOTHING?! THAT’S I-NINETY-FIVE! I SURVIVED I-NINETY-FIIIIIIIIIVE! White-knuckle crazy— BUT I’M STILL ALIVE! I SURVIVED I-NINETY-FIIIIIIIIIVE! Miami to Jupiter— WE DO THIS EVERY NIGHT! I SURVIVED! I SURVIVED! I SURVIVED— I-NINETY-FIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! Recalculating. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. I SURVIVED I-NINETY-FIIIIIIIIIVE!
Behind the story
Why this song exists
This song came directly from real South Florida driving experiences. I live near I-95 in Fort Lauderdale and drive this corridor constantly. The inspiration came from the things drivers here see every day: motorcycles blasting between cars, tiny scooters struggling to keep up with interstate traffic, drivers flying well above the speed limit, luxury cars cutting across multiple lanes at the last possible second, bumper-to-bumper tailgating, sudden unexplained traffic jams, tropical downpours, and the constant calculation of whether the express lanes are worth paying for simply to get away from the madness. One especially memorable moment happened when a motorcycle came screaming between the Mercedes I was driving and the car beside me, close enough to scare the living daylights out of me. That moment became part of the song. Another running joke came from my own bumper sticker: “Back off, bumper humper. My brakes are good. How’s yours?” That phrase perfectly describes regular I-95 traffic. The song was written as a South Florida anthem, but the joke travels. I-95 runs all the way up the East Coast, and drivers from Florida to New York know exactly what it means to survive this road. At its heart, I Survived I-95 is about finding humor in something millions of people experience every day: the absurd, stressful, unforgettable adventure of simply trying to get home.
- Collection
- Florida Stories
- Mood
- Funny, rebellious, high-energy, relatable, chaotic
- Audience
- Florida drivers, East Coast commuters, road-trip survivors, anyone who has ever white-knuckled their way through I-95 traffic
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