It's My Turn

A few years back my daughter asked me
Something I couldn't answer then

She said,
"Mom, where'd the laughing mom go?
The one who used to light up every room she walked in?"

The one with a story for every stranger
The one who'd talk to anybody

The one who could turn a wrong turn
Into an adventure worth repeating

I smiled and changed the conversation

But later that night I wondered too

When did I lose her?

And where'd she go?


I spent years carrying heartache
Like it was mine to hold

Every diagnosis
Every crisis
Every story that got told

My phone would light before the sunrise
Long before I'd poured my coffee

And somehow everybody else's emergency

Always came before me

I thought being needed meant I mattered

Never knowing all that weight

Was pulling me down


Then life sent a storm cloud full of hammers

And parked it over my head

One came for my plans
One came for my business
One came for the future I thought I had instead

But every time another hammer fell

I could hear my daddy saying

"Don't let life knock you on your ass, kid

Pick that hammer up and build again."


I spent years carrying the world

Till I forgot how to carry me

Everybody needed something

Everybody needed me

Then life started clearing pieces

Of what I thought I'd always need

And every pound I laid down

Made a little more room to breathe

It's my turn now

My turn to laugh

My turn to dream

My turn to see

That the life I thought I'd lost

Was waiting for me


I held my granddaughter Tuesday

Nine pounds of hope in my arms

Twenty-four hours later

I was praying in a waiting room

Trying hard to stay calm

One day life handed me Riley

The next day asked me to trust

Funny how joy and fear can arrive

On the very same bus


A week ago my little Junie

Flew right out the door

And every morning since

I've looked for her a little more

I swear that bird became an agent

Showing houses up and down the street

Every place I never noticed

Every corner I might never meet

I found the place I'd wanted to be

Six years ago

Back then it was out of reach

Funny how everything changed

And landed me where I wanted to be

Right on Pompano Beach


Now I walk Briny every morning

Watching fish beneath the pier

Talking with people I just met

Like I've known them all for years

Turns out what I wanted wasn't a house

It was a home

And a sense of belonging

I've been with Tim for five years now

And he's never met that girl

The one who laughs too loud in restaurants

And talks to everybody in the world

I'll be sixty this November

Seventy pounds lighter than before

And for the first time in a long time

I'm not carrying the whole world anymore


I spent years carrying the world

Till I forgot how to carry me

Everybody needed something

Everybody needed me

Then life started clearing pieces

Of what I thought I'd always need

And every pound I laid down

Made a little more room to breathe

It's my turn now

My turn to laugh

My turn to dream

My turn to build

My turn to be

The woman underneath the titles

The woman underneath the need

And every hammer that came falling

Thought it'd knock me to my knees

But my daddy taught me different

He said,
"Build with what life leaves."

So I took those hammers

Went to work building

The life that was waiting for me


Now I've got pink flamingo daydreams

Dancing circles in my head

And if Junie's out there finding homes

I hope she comes back instead

Or maybe she's still searching

Somewhere between the sky and sea

Looking for the perfect little place

For Tim and me

So if you see me on Briny someday

Talking too much and making friends

Don't worry if I'm laughing louder

Than you've heard in years

I'm just making up for lost time

And this time

I'm staying

It's my turn

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